If I were a....

LHC = Large Hadron Collider?

If I were a Large Hadron Collider, I'd smash collide your particles
Pickaxe.

 

If I were a pickaxe I would mine out all your innards ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Jabba the Hutt's Rancor Pit

 

If I were an infected person in the walking dead, waiting to turn, then I'll bite everyone else in this community cuz i know they'll die with me :3

A poor, drunk, homeless man with a bottle of scotch whiskey

 

If I were a poor, drunk, homeless man with a bottle of scotch whiskey. I'd go around stealing people's kidneys and sell them on the black market.

 

You didn't say anything so
If I were a oscar mayer weiner, everyone would be in love with me

Cookie Monster

 

If I were a stand up comedian, I *insert bad Bill Cosby joke here*

Youtuber

 

If i was a school bus driver I'd take so many temper management classes to prevent myself from driving those kids into a building or off a bridge...

The White Colored Pencil

 

If I were a white colored pencil, I would be karate chopped by a 4th grade student.
Air compressor

 

If i were an air compressor id take in so much air until i would explode sending fragments and shrapnel in all directions, mutilating anyone nearby.

An abstract painting

 

If I were an abstract painting, I'd let Picasso paint me all day any day.

A plunger.

 

If i was a plunger i would plunge your toilet so hard that the clog would explode in the pipe with the extreme amount of pressure

Billy mays here with a special tv offer

 

If I were Billy mays, I'd give you a special tv offer.

Cocaine

 

If I was Cocaine, I would be in my homeroom teacher. Like no joke, he does so much Cocaine its not even funny.

Sperm.... Whale

 

If i was a sperm whale, with my luck, I'd have a low sperm count and be unable to repopulate ;-;

An automobile with a terrible safety rating

 

If I were an automobile with a terrible safety rating, I would still be better than a automobile that had to cheat fuel efficiency tests *cough Volkswagen cough*

Kindergarten teacher